bluefrenchorn

So I’ve had a really hard time these past couple days. Ever since we went to the last court date, or maybe a week after that, I’ve had this sort of numb feeling. I don’t know what’s next. I feel like I put in a lot of work and just want a break. Visiting you was good, I was happy to make the trip and mom and I had a good trip. We even found this sandwich shop that I stopped at forever ago with manny, when I just grabbed a coffee. I’ve tried remembering where it was ever since, and I finally found it, on possibly the last trip to SB. And I shared a really good lunch with mom :)

I don’t know what to do, Rick. I know you’re this young kid and you have no idea of what’s ahead, but either do I. I have no clue. And I have to battle what it feels like to be so worn out from all of this and to face the pain and regret of not trying. Not trying to reach out, to write to you, to browse the Internet for things for you, to pray or to even just stop and think. This is really really hard for me, Rick. And I know you don’t need another thing to worry about, so don’t, but I want u to know where I’m coming from.

I miss you. I miss you a lot and I’m mad this whole thing happened. I’m really sad this whole thing happened and that I can’t just fix it. I’m mad that I obviously didn’t do enough for you, but also mad that I know that, no matter what I did, it’d still be your life and I would just be a spectator watching it. I’m your big sister and I can’t protect you. I’m your big sister and hurt really really bad. I didn’t do anything wrong, yet there are parts of my day where I simply can’t breathe. Where my worries and regrets and my sadness completely take over. And again, I’m not telling you this to add even more to your plate, but to know, that even if you don’t hear from me as consistently as we’d like, I am ALWAYS thinking of you.

I just can’t wait for that day when you’re home and we can live our lives as planned, or as adjusted. But I know I can’t live in the future. I know I need to be here for you now, but I want u to know that sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to write u a letter because it’s another reminder that I can’t pick up the phone and call u or text you. That’s gone. So instead I have to be a part of a one sided conversation waiting for your reply. I’m sorry I’m saying these things. I think I need to say these things.

I texted you today.

Or at least I texted your number or phone today. I know it was stupid but I wanted to see that maybe if I didn’t get an error msg I could continue to ‘text’ u and then send u the texts later. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the kind of relationship I want so freakin desperately, the normal- used-to-be relationship of quick texts and my brother consistently around.

I know all these things aren’t easy things to hear right now, but it’s because I love you. It’s because I love you so much that I worry about u, and hope for you, and dream for u. It’s because I love you so much that I miss you so so much.

I always thought we had a good relationship, which is why we’re able to make it now. We’ll make it together now.

I keep telling u that we need to remind each other why we need to stick to the plan and get u home. You need to remind me that that’s OUR plan. There are going to be times when I think it’s going to be easier to let you slip away but that’s not what I want. I never want for you to slip away from me.

For the last couple of days it’s been really tough to even think about things. I drove myself crazy with regret for not writing. And then today I told myself that I couldn’t, that’s it’s not something I shouldn’t do until I felt like it. And I know that may sound crazy but it can’t just be about u. Because when I think that way I find myself worrying that if I don’t support u to whatever standard that you won’t return to me the same kid that left me. And you have to understand what a huge responsibility that must be. I can’t be responsible for what you choose to do or not do, all I can do is pray for you, to wish for you, to believe in you, and most inportantly be by your side every step of the way. And I can do that, but sometimes in my own way.

I’m telling you now: there will NEVER be a day when I walk away from you. There will NEVER be a day where you’re not on my mind. There will NEVER be a day that I will choose not to forgive you… as long as you show me the love I have shown for you.

I know it’s not going to be easy. No, I actually have no idea how hard it’s going to be. I have no idea, but I can trust that everything will be okay. Because u will make it ok. And I will be beside you always.

Always remember that I am your big sister, who loves you so much you probably can’t even imagine. Who has always wanted only good things for you. That believes you are a good person who will make this right. Who believes you are an extremely intelligent person who will learn so much and offer so much to others in this situation. I believe in you, Rick.

You know that if I could take away all this hurt and sadness and loneliness and fear and regret I would. I would in an instant.

I’m sorry I don’t write to you more, but please forgive me. It’s not easy for me. Maybe it will become easier for me. In the meantime, I’m speaking from my heart and want you to know that regardless of any letter written or not written, I am always thinking about you and will always be here for you. Forever.

I love you with all of my heart.