February 2011
5 posts
There was no trial questioning your guilt, just your character. And as it turned out, u had enough to be home in 6 years. But what the hell are those 6 years going to get you. What will you lose. There are times when it’s easier for me to imagine a possible meaningful future. I told my brother that he’d always have a room in my home but looking at his hands makes me think he’s...
Ive been thinking a lot about what you said: ‘yeah, I used to have it so good’
I mentioned that u used to drink only bottled water, and not only that, but like all of us had several bottles in your room.
This is hard. I dont know how we’re all going to do this.
I’m engaging in private events, and apparently I must find them reinforcing in order to keep talking myself, but this stuff isnt reinforcing. It’s terrifying. I ‘picture’ ‘visualize’ engage in ‘seeing’ behaviors,’ I ‘see’ the words you wrote: ‘and then everything will be back to normal’ how do u believe that? Your future...
Wrong-way driver. Drunk. Heartless kid. Murderer.
How do you live with these?
January 2011
3 posts
Why the fuck did you get in that car? How often does that thought rush through your head?
I don’t know how you do it. You wrote that u thought about mom the entire time you made her card. I can’t imagine what it is you have to think about. I dont know how you get through a day. I don’t know how you do it. I’m so proud of you and can’t wait until the day when that’s all we have to think about.
I want to know how they’re doing but I don’t want to ask anyone, I don’t want to look it up. I think not knowing, and hoping, possibly - not thinking too much about it- is my safety. What’s his?
December 2010
4 posts
What the hell were you thinking. When you did it the first time. When you emptied your room of the alcohol. The room that was somehow full of bottles yet didn’t have any closet doors or room under the bed. What were you hiding from us. And now you’re completely exposed. Your every waking, and sleeping, moment is under observation. You’ve lost all rights. You’ve even lost...
Jdjdj
What made your life so much worse than everyone else around you. What did mom and dad not give you? What did we fail to do that led u to where u are today. U lived with 4 ppl that loved you. The only people in the world that would do anything possible for you. You lived with them! Not like those friends of urs whose parent kicked them out. Yours loved u. Yours fed and clothed u and gave u...
Send me a ‘thanks for visiting me in fucking prison’ note sometime, will you?
June 2010
2 posts
So I’ve had a really hard time these past couple days. Ever since we went to the last court date, or maybe a week after that, I’ve had this sort of numb feeling. I don’t know what’s next. I feel like I put in a lot of work and just want a break. Visiting you was good, I was happy to make the trip and mom and I had a good trip. We even found this sandwich shop that I stopped...
Well, I don’t feel like writing to you. I don’t feel like typing or writing and spending time printing and sending. I don’t feel like spending any time on u. And I’m supposed to feel bad and responsible for u not having anything to do, for being bored. No sister spends as much time as u are expecting me to spend time on u.
I’d rather hop in a car and spend an entire...
May 2010
6 posts
i can’t do this. sitting here attempting to do work is impossible. i have this deep down in my gut feeling about the horrible life you are going to have. and why? because i care so desperately about your happiness, your sense of success and your overall happiness. you’re going to have to shape up, kid, and i can’t even begin to imagine the crappy life you’re about to begin....
maybe you dont think about what you’ll be missing of my life because youre so overwhelmed about what you’ll be missing in yours. i cant believe this is happening. im in total disbelief. i wake up to this every day of my life, yet today it’s been hard to believe. why am i crying? why am i sad? what is this horrible sinking feeling of impending doom? it’s this. this is...
what the hell are we going to do? what the hell are we supposed to do?! we can’t do this. YOU can’t do this. this is only the beginning and we are all failing. what the hell are we going to do?
how in hell are we supposed to get thru this? for soooooooo many years?
Well I guess it helps if we just don’t mention you at these kinds of things. They ask about manny, not about you. Maybe it’s easier for everyone just to forget. I’m sorry.
I don’t like coming to these things without you. I saw Olivia for the first time, she’ll be 9 before you meet her. Your picture is on the fridge :) at your cousins house. Lots of ppl love you :)
I’m really sad :)
Girls I grew up with are getting married and having babies, and I’m trying to get thru my brother’s sentencing. Thanks for making me feel as if I have little say in my plans. Thanks for missing out, and making me feel like I am too.
April 2010
12 posts
You win once again. Ignoring you and being pissed at you does not hurt you, it hurts mom. Fuck you for winning yet again. The rules don’t apply to you, you fucking asshole, they never have. You always got what you want by blowing us off, what the hell do you have now!? Fucking nothing! Only you’re not the one to lose, mom is. She did nothing! She did nothing to deserve this yet is so...
I hate you i hate what youve done i hate what youve made me become i hate you
You’re an asshole. You fucked thingss up. I hate what you’ve done. You fucking asshole. Everything I’ve done for you is a fucking joke and a fucking waste. Thanks for making me feel bad for you and attempt to vouch for you. If only you accomplished one fucking thing in your life it’d be an...
What was I thinking that I want my kids to know you? Their fucking loser uncle?do I really want to subject my kids to you and your horrible family values? I’d much rather write you off now so I won’t have to make any decisions later. Oh, you need me. Fuck you! I need YOU! I need you here so mom doesn’t cry herself to sleep. So that dad isn’t more of an asshole than usual....
You’re a dumb fuck. You were given a chance. A fucking chance. The same chance every fucking kid your age gets. You fuckinh ruined it all. I cared more about your future than you. I was willing to spend the entire weekend to make sure that you had some chance in hell of getting into school, bc u had fucked it up yourself so many time. This was your fucking chance! To listen to your sister,...
I don’t want to believe in you anymore. It hurts to much. All these fucking kids with nothing and everything stacked up against them. Yet they’ll have college degrees. They’ll own businesses and be respected. They’ll have families. They’ll see their family whenever they want. They’ll be successful. And you won’t. Because they’ll deserve it. But you...
I don’t want to believe in you anymore. It hurts to much. All these fucking kids with nothing and everything stacked up against them. Yet they’ll have college degrees. They’ll own businesses and be respected. They’ll have families. They’ll see their family whenever they want. They’ll be successful. And you won’t. Because they’ll deserve it. But you...
It’s a little backward that before all this happened I wrote cards to u about how much I believed in you, but never really meant it. I wrote that, followed by a plea for you to make good choices. I never really believed you could do it. Yet now all I’ve been writing is that you can do whatever u want, and that i believe in you. Maybe I’m still lying to you. But I can’t feel...
You’re a fucking idiot. You ruined everything. You ruined fucking everything. For us and for you. Good fucking luck you fucking asshole
Wow. I feel so much better.
I don’t want to do this for 9 years.
I’m done with you.
This whole time I’ve been thankful that I didn’t have to bring kids to see you. Now it looks like I’ll be bringing my own, God willing. Those poor unborn kids will be subjected to that, just so they have some relationship with their uncle. I hope things go exactly as planned so that I’m willing to make those difficult trips. I love you.
So I’ve been watching this show Parenthood. It’s everything I want my family to be- with loving and supportive siblings, who sometimes fight but in the end spend their time laughing and applauding their youngest nephew at his baseball game, or sitting around at the largest everyday table imaginable. With the successful brother, another in jail and a well to do sister, it’s pretty...
I did not sit on your bed that afternoon and think that this was going to happen. When I said ‘i’m glad you’re okay’ I didn’t actually believe I would have to face a situation in which you weren’t, much less severely affecting the lives of others.
I can picture it all.
I can picture me sitting on your bed, you barely seen below the covers, ashamed,...
March 2010
2 posts
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Does it help to ask how he’s doing? Does it help me to know how miserable he is? Do I really think I’m capable of this?
No f-ing way.
February 2010
31 posts
will.
will you learn from this? will you experience enough suffering? will you be aware of everything that you’ve lost to then recognize that you’ll never want to lose it again, this time? will you take the chance that you’ve been given? will you believe that just the time away made you a better person, or will you prove yourself by showing others that you have become a better person?...
Trying to block u out doesn’t usually last that long. Maybe this bout of shut u out is done. It’s so hypocritical yet not the reason for me to tell others to support u, send others to u, pray that others continue to love you, while it’s hard for me.
